What NOT to say to a Pregnant Woman

My wife is visiting our “Grandy” out in Enid, Oklahoma this week. I miss her like crazy. So, in honor of her and some fun conversations we’ve had in the past week, I offer you this installment of things not to say to a pregnant woman. Please take heed:

1.    “How are the twins doing?”
This is usually uttered by some “church lady” who thinks that it says somewhere in the Bible that if you speak it, it will happen. [Sidebar: If you find it in there somewhere, please let me know] She really means no harm, but she thinks that if she says it enough, it will actually happen. Then IF you do happen to have twins, she’ll declare herself a prophetess and start speaking in tongues and/or charging you a “love offering” for her advice.

2.    “You’ve gotten so beautiful since you’ve been pregnant!”
This is so sweet. Raving about a pregnant woman’s beauty is the PERFECT compliment. She’s self-conscious and concerned about her look… ON TOP of the raging hormones that come along with pregnancy! Please, tell her she’s beautiful because she’s heard it enough from me. Just leave off the “since you’ve been pregnant” qualifier!!! Please people! Think!

3.    “Girl, you look so big!!!”
C’mon now, really. The last thing a pregnant woman needs to be reminded of is how big she is. My wife spends an average of 2.3 hours a day looking at her stomach in the mirror. We don’t need you to remind her that her stomach is abnormally big. There was actually a lady at church this past Sunday who raved for a good 10-12 minutes non-stop about how big LaVera’s stomach is… then pointed it out to anyone and everyone who walked by. This is NOT cute. This phrase may also be substituted with questions like “How much weight HAVE you gained?” and statements like “Look at that belly! You’re not going to make it to your due date!”

4.    “Oh, you shouldn’t eat that!”
OK, we’ve learned that there are some things that a pregnant woman shouldn’t eat. We’re responsible enough to have researched that certain types of fish have high mercury levels. Here’s the thing… someone might come up to an unsuspecting pregnant woman enjoying a nice desert and say something like “Eating cake will give your child A.D.D.” This is just stupid. If my child has A.D.D., he or she will get it honestly… from their A.D.D. father!

5.    “I can take care of that baby better than you can.”
I know what you’re thinking. No one in their right mind would say something like that. Nope! We heard it. I think I felt released by God to curse this lady out after she said it. [Sidebar: Only with words found in the King James Version of the Bible, of course.] But I didn’t. I calmly informed her that we are aware that we are first time parents and did not need her to inform us of our parental ineptitude. You just don’t make the same mistake. I just might start quoting Scripture.